Lost dimensions

21st November.

It’s an important date. It used to mark anniversaries of a past love. Year after year of gifts and romance, cards and special surprises, then absence, distance, bitter fights to coming back stronger with a sweeter love. The aging date stole time from under our young, naive eyes, only to throw them back at me as memories of a lost dimension.

5 anniversaries later, I started resenting the lost years of stumbling through life unquestioning, unaware of who I was and where I was headed. I was restless, and I knew this time the upheaval was far too big to be subdued under compromise. I knew then, that I would always be restless in love. I would always be certain only of what I don’t want, and always seeking what I want.

On 21st November last year, I bade goodbye to my first love, scared of letting go and guilty of having hurt him. But my instincts told me I’m doing the right thing. A year later, and nothing has changed; but nothing’s the same any more.

Who knew so much could happen in a year, especially so much of what would ultimately be remembered with either sadness, guilt or regret? I believed I was still the same person inside, just doing things I didn’t usually do. It’s just a phase, and I’m living someone else’s borrowed lifestyle of excessive partying, drinking and occasional screwups, I kept telling myself. Well, not anymore. This girl is sobering down, it’s done and resolved.

NewYearsEve

The date is still significant. This year the clock struck 12 and time passed by a drunk me in a stranger’s arms. It gave me a good hard much-needed slap on the face. It left me wringing my hands in despair, and the more I thought of what I’m doing the more I fell into depression, terrified of confessing to anyone for fear of being judged, and completely clueless of how to get out of this mess.

So I wrote this post and decided that if there’s one thing I knew about myself, it was that I’m not a coward. I told myself to take a deep breath and start by being completely honest, without fearing who I might lose in this process. Once again, this date seems to have woken me up from a deep stupor.

I guess now the date marks my years of stumbling down an unknown path, stubbornly alone, just as unaware of who I am, and just as sure of what I don’t want.

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9 thoughts on “Lost dimensions”

  1. Very intense post Madhura. Coincidence is my wedding anniversary that too 5th is on coming 28th Nov. Though I know him for last 10 years, the craving for our older times hit me most after we became parents. It seemed as the world is falling apart between us. With all courage and beating post partum depression now we are sailing all along with love and promise to not lose hope ever in each other.

    Dropping in here first time from Indiblogger. We love our guests at The Sinhas at No. 302 http://sinhasat302.blogspot.in/

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  2. i know i am commenting after ages.. but you always keep me seeking for appropriate words to comment on your posts… the perfect mystery of life is the way it surprises you.. if you will know what you want may be your paths will be pre defined giving no scope of enjoyable deviations… love you loads madhura…

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  3. Your actions and feelings are result of what you think. You are not happy because something has not happened, and you are think about what could be possibly a good future for you. Both ways you are just struggling with the past or the future. You have no time for your ‘present’, which as you said you are not enjoying.
    If you think someone’s thought is powerful enough to make you do things, you are wrong. You are thinking that way, and giving yourself an excuse to do certain things. No one can think on your behalf, you just choose to think that way.
    If you consider your life to be so easily available to be destroyed by someone else, you are weak. Life offers lot of things to us, and a mature person learns to be happy within it. Happiness is easy, but if you are measuring you happiness with the yardstick of having no problems, then think again. The true happiness is being happy even with problems and issues. And don’t just someones other than you be blamed for destroying your happiness. You are choosing not to be happy !!!!

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  4. I also remember a November, of many many years ago .The toughest part is letting someone go from your life. Hope you move on with life. Hardest thing easily said 😉

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