First loves

images

A look and a smile from afar
Awakens flutters in the heart
A spring in each step, dancing on the stars
First pangs of love that blossom at the start

Time wrapped under a wide blanket smile –
dizzy from spells of new romance
Walks on the shore, dreams of the aisle
A fairy tale love flowing from a glance

Oh, young love can drown out the crowd
Turn a blind eye and deaf ear for passion
Stubborn love, looking for signs among clouds,
lost in new-found freedom of expression

Tender heart cocooned in youth, unbroken
Pangs of first true love – never forgotten

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Today at dVerse, Tony sets us to write sonnets – the task is to get the meter and rhyme right. I’ve barely managed to link up before it expires. I don’t think I do a very good job with rhyme and sonnets -it wearies me! So I welcome youย constructive criticism and any comments on the form. I would really appreciate it! ๐Ÿ™‚

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27 thoughts on “First loves”

  1. First … I really like your thought here.. young love — first love so different.. I think you can work a little bit on the meter (being consistent from line to line),.. once you write enough iambs you will dream in iambs… ๐Ÿ™‚ But all in all a lovely poem…

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  2. Have you ever tried to write a sonnet before? I ask, because if this is your first, it is way better than mine was. You have maintained the Shakespearean sonnet’s rhyme scheme throughout, and made clever use of half-rhymes in the third quatrain and the closing couplet.

    As Bjorn has suggested, if you want to write a traditional sonnet then you need to do some work on your use of meter. Your first line is trimetric (your three metrical feet are an iamb, and two anapests if you want to be really techincal about it … smiles) which is an interesting rhythm, but tricky to maintain.

    On the plus side … your closing couplet is perfectly pentametric, although I think it is written in trochees (stress on the first part of the metrical foot) rather than in iambs (stress on the second part of the foot).

    To really get the feel of iambic pentameter you need to read Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Shelley, Keats, Elizabeth Browing etc who really knew how to work with it. And if you are able read aloud so that you can hear the rise and fall of the stresses in their lines.

    Now, you’re probably thinking that I don’t like your poem. Please relax. It’s a lovely poem and expresses a beautiful sentiment. There will be very few people who won’t have pleasant memories of their first love(s) brought back to them by your work – and that’s really what poems like this are all about.

    I’m off to enjoy the warm fuzzy glow of my own memories now … smiles.

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    1. Phew! I believe that was my first! Yes I need to study meter now, I’ll be checking out a bunch of Shakespeare, Wordsworth from my library soon!
      I’m glad you like the poem and the sentiment! Thanks a lot for your comments Tony, you make me learn so much ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. First love, how sweet it is ~ We never forget them don’t we ~ I like that you are also experimenting with form ~ Sonnets are challenging to write & I enjoyed this one ~

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  4. Do you paint these paintings too? I noticed the comment about needing the smell of turpentine, so I just assumed that you are also a visual artist. Good work on the writings!

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  5. you know it might be nice if you actually read and commented on other people at dverse instead of just leaving your poetry and not visiting others…it is the spirit of community…poets working together…not just being takers, but giving back…

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    1. I had replied to you via Email, Brian I don’t know if you got it.. I don’t know how you thought I wouldn’t visit others, because if you check previous challenges and link-ups i have commented many-a-times, or at least liked…
      But I get what you mean, of course I understand the spirit of community here at dVerse…

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  6. Great constructive criticism from Tony that …will need to read more….that first experience with love breaking in the heart is tortuous..you described it so well.

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