Capturing the colors of thought

A dream Zahir

A Zahir is something or someone who becomes a fixation in your life, taking up so much space and eating into all other thoughts till finally it is nothing but either obsession or madness.  Paulo Coelho says in his book ‘The Zahir’ that a man should retell and repeat his story over and over, till finally that history is no longer linked to his past. Only by doing that can he truly step out of his old self and start a new story.

After reading the book, I now believe that my subconscious, my dreams have woken up to tell me the same thing. They’ve now become all about a tiny, almost non-existential thing in my life, making that thing a point of dream-obsession. A small thing called closure, in which my dreams have found an opening.

I thought I’d had a clean break-up. He agreed with me when I said it’s better to end things now when we both know it’s not going to work out. In my mind I’d gone over this decision for so long that I had time to clear my head and be practical about it all. So when I told my friends about the break-up, I allowed no sympathy. I was fine, it was my decision after all!

And then the post-breakup rituals I ignored started catching up to me. The he’s-dating-again gossip, the did-you-meet-her bitch-talk with your girlfriends, and the do-you-ever-think-of-getting-back-together questions. I wish I had premeditated this part instead of leaving it to my subconscious for rumination.

In my latest dream, I went to meet a group of mutual friends and I knew he would be there. I bicycled to the place in the rain in a white top, and he turned up with a better bicycle. I remember being conscious of how I look. The awkward part was when his best friend of many years (a guy I’d never seen in real life) asked if we wanted to sit next to each other, and then I realized he hadn’t even told anyone about the break-up.
After that I came home, and one of my friends turned up at my house drenched in the rain. She gave me those I-know-what-you’ve-been-through looks and hugged me. Before I could ask why, I woke up.

Now, nothing in this dream reflects my real life. So what is the dream trying to tell me?

I don’t travel by bicycle. Should I start?
I don’t care if he has a better bicycle. I don’t care much about bicycles, really.
We don’t have mutual friends anymore. Was my dream finding reasons for us to meet?
About telling friends about the break-up, I’m sure he told the important people in his life.

What about my friend turning up to give me a hug? Is it that on some level I want sympathy, even though I was strong enough to deal with it all myself? Why the sudden dream trips for an insight into my ex’s life? I am truly not that interested, or even bitter in any way. Does this mean that my subconscious has found a Zahir? Dear God, I hope not. Am I still lacking some closure? I’ll be attacking myself with these questions now. Maybe I’ll get an answer, or maybe my dreams will give me one!

Or, maybe this is just my bored subconscious winding me up for a trip into overdrive thinking mode. I don’t know anymore.

So, talk to me! Do you yourself have or ever had a Zahir? What do your dreams tell you? And if there are any dream analysts out there, please tell me.. what does my dream mean?

A rainy evening strolled lazily
Into the open arms of a café
Where sat four spunky young lasses,
dressed in attires almost passé

The conversations were lilting
and the rain paused to listen
to the melody of their laughter -
So spirited in its composition

Their lives no longer inextricably weaved
But they embroider a beautiful pattern
on time-worn fabrics, a soft array -
of tears, smiles and tender heart’s burn

The taste of friendship lingers long
after the last dregs of coffee are gone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reunions with old friends are always the best. There’s that sense of familiarity that washes away all awkwardness accumulated with time. There’s the closeness and comfort that comes with knowing each other for so many years. These are friends who will know in an instant if something is wrong, or if you’re holding back something.

This poem is for my friends who made this weekend so much fun and interesting! Linking up with dverse, it’s Open Link Night! :-)

Fading footprints

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I know you thought of me,
Once you realized I was free
But now I leave it all behind
You, her and the world that disagrees

Watch me walk out of here
Without ever turning back
I exit this space you inhibit
With my memories and mind intact

I etch footprints in my wake
Leading further and fading away
But footprints are not like ink on paper
The tides will turn the very next day…

Sometimes a girl may have to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince.

I’m sure the frogs agree. One or two might even be daring enough to use this as a pick-up line.

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Pucker up, baby!

To my surprise Indian parents also seem to agree. Parents anxious to marry off their well-educated, beautiful, hard-working and independent daughters into good families of their choice, overlook the fact that while they are opposed to the idea of the girl finding her Prince Charming on her own, they are willing to let her mingle with a lot many frogs who are brought up the right way. Read the rest of this entry »

Nomadic June

Incredible India: A Himalayan experience 

The train journey

I turn my face away, away from the stench and the suffocating heat, the hawkers and the little beggar child performing to the drum’s beat. I drown out the low complaining voices and block out the train compartment to my senses. I glue my head to the window to watch the shadows in the water below that keep changing as the sun dips low. I watch the corn and rice fields whistling merrily in the wind, and the stretches of land left bare by summers that forced the rivers to rescind. At each bend I watch the train till it is replaced once more with plain terrain. We jump up with unabashed delight as we see on the rail tracks a peacock taking flight.

The growing dark stares back as the wheels run steady on these age-old tracks. The train whisks us through villages and across states but it’s a two day journey even at this rate. I feel the miles grow longer and I know the nights will get much colder. I count the passing days as time takes me further and farther away. Read the rest of this entry »

Wanderlust

I hope you forgive me
Each time I go
Chasing moments
Making memories
That are just mine

As I tread these solitary paths
I wish to create some imaginary ones
To retrace in my later years
As boulevards for my nostalgia

I hope you forgive me
When I hop far and wide
Trying to dodge
the reaches of society,
nursing my wanderlust,
alone.

Like the horizon waiting in earnest
For the orange rays of the setting sun
I come full circle
and merge into myself
Lost, submerged in the splendor
of each caress, each breath of nature,
And the wonder of feeling so alive.

Off to the Himalayas…

A really really quick update to all my peeps.. I just came back from a road trip into central India. It was a spiritual, other-world experience, to my utter surprise… We spent 3 days with quick dips into the beautiful Narmada river, visiting temples and Ashrams along its banks and absorbing the history of all the places. Of course we binged on street food and ice-golas and cold drinks because it was sweltering hot this time of year…

And I know I’ve lots to catch up on, but here I go, off to the Himalayas for a trek… where the going gets tough and then those going, get tough!

I’ll be back in two weeks… and then I have plans to stay home and blog all day long. I’ll be back with lots of pictures… This is where I’ll be going!

Trek to Roopkund

Trek to Roopkund

I’m excited!

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