A Zahir is something or someone who becomes a fixation in your life, taking up so much space and eating into all other thoughts till finally it is nothing but either obsession or madness. Paulo Coelho says in his book ‘The Zahir’ that a man should retell and repeat his story over and over, till finally that history is no longer linked to his past. Only by doing that can he truly step out of his old self and start a new story.
After reading the book, I now believe that my subconscious, my dreams have woken up to tell me the same thing. They’ve now become all about a tiny, almost non-existential thing in my life, making that thing a point of dream-obsession. A small thing called closure, in which my dreams have found an opening.
I thought I’d had a clean break-up. He agreed with me when I said it’s better to end things now when we both know it’s not going to work out. In my mind I’d gone over this decision for so long that I had time to clear my head and be practical about it all. So when I told my friends about the break-up, I allowed no sympathy. I was fine, it was my decision after all!
And then the post-breakup rituals I ignored started catching up to me. The he’s-dating-again gossip, the did-you-meet-her bitch-talk with your girlfriends, and the do-you-ever-think-of-getting-back-together questions. I wish I had premeditated this part instead of leaving it to my subconscious for rumination.
In my latest dream, I went to meet a group of mutual friends and I knew he would be there. I bicycled to the place in the rain in a white top, and he turned up with a better bicycle. I remember being conscious of how I look. The awkward part was when his best friend of many years (a guy I’d never seen in real life) asked if we wanted to sit next to each other, and then I realized he hadn’t even told anyone about the break-up.
After that I came home, and one of my friends turned up at my house drenched in the rain. She gave me those I-know-what-you’ve-been-through looks and hugged me. Before I could ask why, I woke up.
Now, nothing in this dream reflects my real life. So what is the dream trying to tell me?
I don’t travel by bicycle. Should I start?
I don’t care if he has a better bicycle. I don’t care much about bicycles, really.
We don’t have mutual friends anymore. Was my dream finding reasons for us to meet?
About telling friends about the break-up, I’m sure he told the important people in his life.
What about my friend turning up to give me a hug? Is it that on some level I want sympathy, even though I was strong enough to deal with it all myself? Why the sudden dream trips for an insight into my ex’s life? I am truly not that interested, or even bitter in any way. Does this mean that my subconscious has found a Zahir? Dear God, I hope not. Am I still lacking some closure? I’ll be attacking myself with these questions now. Maybe I’ll get an answer, or maybe my dreams will give me one!
Or, maybe this is just my bored subconscious winding me up for a trip into overdrive thinking mode. I don’t know anymore.
So, talk to me! Do you yourself have or ever had a Zahir? What do your dreams tell you? And if there are any dream analysts out there, please tell me.. what does my dream mean?